I Hate Being Disabled (weird format, Sorry)

 

I Hate Being Disabled!!!

Ever since i was aware of my diagnoses, i subconsciously understood that i was different from the others, even sometimes from other autistic kids in my elementary school. I knew i was different, but that doesn’t mean i like that all of the time. Sometimes, or most of the time i feel, i dislike my disabilities and had wished that i didn’t have them. But, sometimes, i was vibing with my diagnoses since they weren’t causing me problems that wouldn’t have been there if i wasn’t diagnosed. This post is about me processing my life with all of my disabilities and how i feel about them.

The most problems came from my autism in my childhood, i struggled a lot with self regulation and my meltdowns couldn’t be hidden nor be nonviolent as i assume i didn’t have the skills to make it so. That was the most visible aspect of my autism, i feel, so i tried to self isolate myself as to not be at risk of hurting someone that i mutually like. And i was secluded most of the day before i got diagnosed with ADHD, so i knew of that and didn’t like the fact as that seperated me visibly from the rest of the class, heck, the entire school even.

After every big meltdown, the ones where i’d have to go home for the rest of the day, i would deeply regret my actions. Most of the time to the point of almost having another meltdown as i would try to punish myself, either by calling myself names or trying to hit myself. After that was done, i’d often be asking why can’t i be normal either out loud or mentally. It was the worse when i was being bullied and they often succeeded at causing me to have meltdowns, i’d be acting like i was depressed afterwards and asking god about why i couldn’t be normal. My mom remarks that i had a few “depressive episodes”, and i understood that to mean that i was showing signs of depression but weren’t clinically significant enough to warrant testing and possibly getting diagnosed.

The way those depressive episodes showed was that i wasn’t interested in playing Video Games, especially my newly acquired copy of Splatoon 2 with my also newly acquired Nintendo Switch. I didn’t watch shows on Netflix as well, even the ones i really liked that were on there. That’s also why it wasn’t enough for my parents to actually show enough concern to have me be tested for and potentially diagnosed with depression. It cleared up near the end of the school after i’d attempted to clear it up, apologized and what not. But for the last few years before high school, after every meltdown, i would be asking the same normal question. I really hated having autism then, and i still sometimes.

I hated having autism so much so that i would hate it whenever someone said the word “autism” near me, or any words pertaining to me and the services i was receiving to help me with speech and my behaviour. I see them as reminders that i was different from the entire school and even from the other autistic kids, i felt jealous of them. They could be in mainstream classes for the entire day, rarely have meltdowns, and were viewed as gifted because they didn’t seem to struggle much with any academic areas. I honestly wished that i was the same, or if there was something wrong with me ignoring the autism part that answered like half of the question.

I struggled with math to the point of it being tested at a 3rd grade level, meaning i was significantly behind on math skills in comparison to the rest of my classmates and i was recommended for Psychoeducational Testing. I guess they either assumed i had a Learning Disability or an Intellectual Disability. I was finally given that Pyschoeducational Assesment the grade before graduation and the results confirmed their suspicions, i had a Learning Disability in Mathematics and in Written Expression. There was also some notes about my cognitive abilities, they were below the average, as stated by my FSIQ score. But here’s the thing, when i was doing the actual Assessment with a lady, i was fearing what she was writting and wanted to know why i was there and doing math work.

I was so comprehensive about my disabilities that i hated everything related to disability, and that included being tested to see if i have a disability as well. Which of course includes Psychoeducational Testing, so i was very anxious and apprehensive about what was happening at first. I don’t think i knew why i was anxious and apprehensive like that when it was happening, i just figured out why just recently. I was processing all of my diagnoses, i guess, and that was all. I went back to the classroom and was fine, but i think i was trying my best to forget it happened because i hated being disabled and being treated differently.

I am aware of all of my disabilities, but i hate how they make me look like to a person whom i haven’t known for a long time. So essentially, i hate how i act and look like to the normal stranger that passes by on the street or looks in the windows. I hate people looking at me, maybe for that reason or because of eye contact. I like to think, sometimes it’s both of those reasons that i dislike when people look at me. Especially when i’m in the middle of a meltdown where i’m being violent, i hated when someone would peek over the heads of teachers or over the sides. I knew they perceived me as autistic or at the very least, disabled which meant different from the rest of them. And not in a good way.

But sometimes, when someone sees them and decides to help me otherwise, i still really dislike that. I hated and now dislike being treated differently because of my disabilities, because they see me as someone that needs help, even from someone who is not a professional and is not hired to help me with things. This reminds me of when people, even sometimes on video games, would help me and explain where to go and/or give me higher level stuff.

This reminds me of that time when i got lost on a forest planet on Helldivers 2, this rock formation blocked me from having a straight line. I got so embarassed, since i accidentally walked out of the mission zone, i stayed there and acted like it was intentional. Due to my Dyscalculia, i would assume anyway, directions are very hard for me and sometimes i get lost because of that. The next game, the player who i was with was like, follow me. I was a bit mad because i knew of a quicker way for me to get in, i could simply use the jump pack on the sloped roofs and then get in using that. Of course, before my mom is worried, i didn’t really yell at the player for that. I did rant about it in the shower and got me really pissed off.

I’m sorry if this may offend people, but i think this was just a rant post that i desperately wanted to get off my chest. This also could be the reality of some moderate support needs autistics. I sometimes dislike having my disabilities and would wish for nothing more but to have them be gone, even to cure them, while sometimes i am simply just neutral about them. That’s because they don’t affect me and make my life harder at that time.