Journal Entry #1: October 18, 2025

 I think i will turn this blog into a journal where i share my day to day life. Of course, without sharing private information that will make it easy for people to know who i am, my real name, and where i live and anything that i also personally deem to be private information.

This will be my first entry into the changing times of my blog. It will no longer be considered a full blog, but more so an online journal that people can read with entries about my days all the way to sub entries where i explain certain thoughts and get those thoughts out into the world. I don't think anyone really reads or even knows this exists, so i might as well just experiment with it for the time being before i inevitably have this found or deleted. 

Anyway, i'm aware that it's now October 19, but i wanted to make a full recap of the last day's experiences and events to start this new online journalling thing out for the first time. I have already done some example of this on one of my social media profiles, making a quick and somewhat still detailed recap and story about how my day went and as how it relates to autism since my profile where i did that was centered around autism and my life living with autism. It's still semi active, but don't hold your breath and wait for anything new coming as i don't expect to make new content that much besides stories and the like.

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I won't start this off with a stereotypical dear journal like i did when i was writing down stuff that was like this on physical paper, and instead I will just jump straight into it and start with explaining how the basic schedule was firstly;

1. Dad walked Duchess

2. I have lunch while Dad fixed his car

3. The two of us go to the vet so that Duchess can have her annual checkup

4. I go to the library

5. We do my social services/assistance application form for some disability support

That was what we had planned. We deviated after item 5, but that was because we obviously haven't planned that far ahead and frankly, i think we just didn't because there really was not much of a need to do so. We'd just relax and chill after then, which did happen actually.

However, we did change our original plan which wasn't in writing that Dad would order pizza for dinner because there was no cooking done due to how tight the schedule was. And we had anticipated that our application would take up a lot of the cooking time from Dad since last time, we really struggled to get past the first page because it was like my Dad hadn't been listening at all to the instructions provided in multiple ways before we entered it. 

Finally, however, the application was done and it got sent. And now we're just waiting for a reply, or honestly we're waiting for the next step which is something like getting a case worker assigned to our case but not knowing if we've been approved or not. There's one more step before we know if we have been approved or not, i think it was something like a determination to know if i'm really disabled or something. I skimmed through the instructions as i'm not as slow as my parents are, and i could have done the entire thing with them coaching me so that it would have been faster.

Anyway i went on a tangent there like i usually do, but i honestly can't really blame myself as their speed of doing that thing was literally very infuriating for me. I get that they want to be absolutely, 100% sure of everything but i'm a fast reader and i have already double checked the whole page, basically from memory since my parents were so slow in getting to the end and clicking on the complete button and moving us to the next section.

Anyway, the form finally got done and it was the highlight of my day. It was frankly by far the most exciting thing that has happened for a long time, besides for parties and for meeting with cousins that i like. Also informative because it gave me a sort of a snapshot into the future with parents, such as that i will live with them and that they will need to help me with a ton of government/complex topics. But i don't specifically know the minute details of everything yet, and i have yet to convince myself that knowing this is normal and that is fine and that things will become clearer as time moves on and honestly just to keep myself calmed. 

Of course, as the list above confirms, i did many other things beforehand. I helped Duchess get her shot and helped her stay still for the shot part, while i also was feeling stressed because i felt like the plan was falling apart. It wasn't but at that time, with one more thing before the library, time was moving faster but the people in front of me were still moving with an infuriatingly slow pace. My parents included, they were late coming home because they were shopping without telling us and had forgotten that there was a plan in place for the entire day so that my disability form could finally be submitted. That form, like all things disability and government, take so long in my life to even just be submitted in the first place, never mind reviewed and us receiving their approval or denial letter. Still feeling frustrated with them as i type this paragraph. 

But the thing i most clearly remember was the library. I got myself 4 books surrounding diagnosis, psychology, social services and of course autism. I have been slowly reading all of them, but i'm mostly reading the one about autism and someone's first hand experience with an autistic son who was also a savant based off of his skills and his advanced academic skills. But i also find that reading said book oftentimes makes me sad because i never achieved that, i was on average development when it comes to most of my academics, but that i'm barely high functioning while the boy in the book was really high functioning when it comes to academics and the development of his skills after his diagnosis. Anyway, i think i talked about this in another blog post already or so much other posts on other sites so i won't do it again. It's completely pointless, but whatever, i hope you understand the gist of this paragraph. 

This was a clusterfuck, but my handwritten journal entries were worse. I was unmedicated when i was making them, and looking back on them now, it was very clear that i was unmedicated and clearly not at the best. I was pretty unhappy and i was just about losing my mind every journal entry before the entries entirely dried out because handwriting is an obvious struggle of mine, and my hands start to really hurt after a good while of non stop and bare bones breaks in between writing. 

Still, i hope this makes sense to people.