Looking Back at Childhood

 Lately, i've been looking back at my childhood, especially at memories when i was in ABA Therapy and in all of these other therapies as a child under 10 years old. But also looking at the memories of summer camps before and after turning 10 years old. 

And it just strikes me as strange. I might have been in special education AFTER going to that IBI Program. Like i said that that IBI Program was special ed, but what if it wasn't, and then when i was mainstreamed back in my old school, that was when the special education classes for me start? 

If so, why were most of the kids there without EAs or accomodations? My desk was placed as near to the teacher as much as possible but everyone elses' were in their regular spots. I was the only one who came in and out too, while the rest of the classmates only left for like recess which was pretty normal at the time. They had their quirks, sure, but like every kid has their quirks, and if anything, i assume that it's just the ADHD.

Y'know, i actually had a classmate in my middle school years with severe ADHD. When he was excited, he'd run in circles around the classroom, and when he was frustrated however, he didn't slam on anything like i've done in high school, he'd just argue with the EAs who i'm not entirely sure were focused on him or was just taking a break from focusing on me. Once, during a speech made by the classroom teacher, he chose that time to sharpen his pencil which honestly makes me think he has autism. 

Honestly, this isn't exactly my place to speculate on what disorders he has. It's just not my business nor should i care because later on that same year, he was involved in a situation where he apparently broke SERIOUS boundaries on a female classmate. He had gotten outcasted and once was beaten during recess by another classmate of mine. 

Shit was lowkey very weird, but to be honest, i was weird, kinda like all kids who had high or medium functioning autism like i think i had as a child to preteen. That kind of stuff tends to happen in special education classes from all of the other experiences that i've heard about and seen when scrolling through the ex special ed kids subreddit on Reddit and on other subreddits. 

Whatever. This isn't exactly about all of that nonsense, i just went on a tangent like usual there. 

I just wanted to talk about how my childhood was quite full of therapies and of people pathologizing my autism instead of just letting me have a normal childhood, but i just don't know how to shift the topic smoothly from my time in middle school during COVID-19 suddenly to my childhood experiences with ABA/IBI therapies and the like especially as i was severely autistic and functionally nonverbal at that time too. 

I guess the shift starts now. So when i was 3 years old, which i'm certain that you all already know by now, i was diagnosed with autism by a medical professional. Then one year later it was included in my IEP by the school. 

You all know the rest, i was nonverbal, couldn't undress by myself and needed adult help all of the time, blah blah blah. Went to ABA therapy for half a day at first, then transitioned into full time ABA before finally going to an IBI program in another school. My IEP notices that the program was provided by something, or some organization called the Grove School which is a local organization about students' special needs or something like that. 

But what it didn't include was how long i went there for. I thought i went there for 5-10 years when really it was a shortlived time, and wasn't special education in the traditional sense. Like it wasn't a life skills classroom that my high school hosted for people with the severest of disabilities, like autism but think nonverbal teenagers with meltdowns and loud vocal stims that you'd be able to hear one corridor away or something like that for example. It was like an ABA therapy but more intensive and located within a classroom that nobody used. 

There we learned how to do some functional academics. For me, it was mostly lessons about how to read the clock and how to say certain words the right way. There was some speech therapy parts as well too, and some sensory integration parts from occupational therapy as well. But it was mostly for behavioural problems like meltdowns, but for me and some other students it was for impatience and for our struggles with certain life skills beyond our behavioural challenges.

Anyway, i think i'm retelling a story that y'all have heard about a million times already. But what i didn't often talk about was my summer camp experiences as someone on the autism spectrum. At first, i was a very challenging kid to deal with, according to decades old reports that the counselor assigned to me wrote up after the program ended. This was because i was impatient, could elope as in running or wandering away, and just poor social awareness. Not like socially awkward either but think of that kid grabbing a toy out of the other kid's hands at age 6 or something, without asking or even warning. 

I'm really looking at my childhood with a new perspective. It seems that i had more struggles than i had originally thought. And i had also originally thought that i had improved by a ton, but looking back at my childhood, i don't think that anymore. Like i only improved by like, two points, if i were to be tested. Which i was actually, and i only moved like one point downwards. Mind you, i've been to some form of ABA and getting some form of help since the age of 4 too. 

And all of that seems to just be a huge waste of money and of time. Because nothing moved at all. My support needs are still largely the same too. I still need help with some aspect of dressing up, some form of help for academics and so on and so forth. I just realized this now, too. 

So yeah. Sorry for abruptly changing the topic once again but this realization wasn't like something that i knew of beforehand and had planned on writing this blog piece about. I do hope this makes some sense to you though.